I was sitting in the café, nursing a bacon butty and trying to ignore the smell from the brewery, when my mate Dave plonked himself down opposite me. He had that look, the one that said he was about to give me advice I didn’t ask for. “You look miserable,” he said. “Trouble at mill?
Had a domestic with Dev? ”
“No,” I said, but he wasn’t having it. “If you want my advice, go talk to him properly, from the heart. There’s a bloke who runs away from his missus at the first sign of trouble.
You do not. ”
“Yeah, you do,” I said. “You load up on pies and park your car on the waste ground near the brewery and pretend your radio’s not working. ”
“I’m not going near the brewery with that smell.
”
Dave was right, though. I’d been avoiding the conversation with my little brother, Todd, for days. He was staying with his new boyfriend, Theo, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. But every time I tried to talk to him, he shut me out.
“Dad said it was a bit rough,” Dave said. “What’s Dev giving you? ”
“He’s still keeping me in the dark. Me and my little brother have always been close, but even I can’t get through to him.
”
“You used to have a way with the lad. ”
“Me? ”
“Yeah, you. You’ll know what to say to him because you’ve been through it with him.
”
I wasn’t so sure. I’d been through a lot with Todd, but this felt different. He was different. He’d changed since he got with Theo, and not for the better.
I left the café and went to find him. He was at the garage, working on that old car of his, the one he was always tinkering with. I stood in the doorway, watching him for a moment before I spoke. “All right, mate?
” I said. He looked up, surprised. “All right, mate? ”
“How’s everything at home?
Dad said it was a bit rough. ”
“What’s Dev giving you? ” he asked, avoiding my question. “Well, he’s still keeping me in the dark.
Yeah, me and my little brother have always been close, but even I can’t get through to him. ”
“You used to have a way with the lad. ”
“Me? ”
“Yeah, you.
You’ll know what to say to him because you’ve been through it with him. ”
I sighed. “I’m not one of life’s misfits, me. No, I’ve got the patience for it.
”
“Yeah, you well slow,” he said, a hint of a smile on his face. “It’s going to take you 10 years to finish that junk of a cow. ”
“And blood noodles don’t help,” I said, trying to lighten the mood. “You don’t want to have sharp around this lot though.
Can you imagine? ”
“Do you know, I remember me mother knitted me a swimming costume when I was little. Yeah, 2 minutes in that pool. Like a sponge I was.
Still got PTSD from that. ”
He laughed, and for a moment, it was like old times. But then the laughter faded, and I saw the weight on his shoulders. “You’ve not got much longer in here,” I said.
“It’s your appeal Friday. ”
“Yep. They’re going to let you out. I can feel it in the water.
”
“I’m going to miss you like mad. ”
“Hey you. Aw, are you getting all soppy on me, Lulu? Are you?
”
“No, I bet you’ve got a new best friend by tea time. ”
“Yeah, right. ”
I left him to his work, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. Later that day, I saw Todd’s ex, Megan, in the street.
She looked terrible, like she hadn’t slept in days. I stopped her. “Megan, I’ve not heard from you in days. I really need you.
Why aren’t you returning my calls? ”
She just stared at me, her eyes empty. “I’m lost,” she said. “I don’t know where I am.
Where am I going? ”
“Do you want me to call an officer? See a doctor? ”
“I should have got Todd out of there last night.
Dragged him out if I had to. I feel so flaming stupid, babe. Why didn’t I see what he’s like? ”
“People like him are clever, aren’t they?
They’re brilliant at pulling the wool over. ”
“Gary, don’t beat yourself up over it. You’ve done your best. ”
But I couldn’t help it.
I should have seen it sooner. Todd was supposed to be in work that morning, but he never showed. Chrissy said she hadn’t heard hide nor hair of him. I knew then that something was seriously wrong.
I went to see Todd’s dad, George. He was in the café, looking worried. “Todd was supposed to be in work this morning,” I said. “Chrissy said she’s not heard hide nor hair of him.
”
“It’s all right,” George said, but his voice was shaky. “It’s all right. ”
We tried to call Todd, but he wasn’t answering. I left a message.
“Megan, I’ve not heard from you in days. I really need you. Why aren’t you returning my calls? ”
But there was no answer.
Later, I went to see Todd at the flat he shared with Theo. He was there, looking pale and drawn. I tried to talk to him, to get him to open up. “You know I was exactly the same at your age,” I said.
“Hiding your feelings. Putting on a brave face. Playing the big man. There’s no need for all that front, you know.
You’re home. Safe. You’re with your da. And regardless of what went on, you can talk to me.
I’m listening, son. ”
“I can’t,” he said. “If you won’t talk to me, how about we give the counselor another go? This thing with Megan, whatever it was, whatever you thought it was, it’s done nothing but bring you grief.
”
“I’m going to be late for school,” he said, and he walked out. I watched him go, feeling helpless. He was 16. He shouldn’t have a care in the world.
But he was carrying something heavy, and I couldn’t reach him. Meanwhile, my other mate, Kirk, was having his own troubles. He’d been walking backwards all day, convinced it was good for his brain. He kept reversing into people.
“You need to be careful, Kirk,” I said. “It could be a health and safety issue. ”
“I’ll have to get a helmet with a couple of rear view mirrors on it,” he said, grinning. “Yeah, genius.
”
But I couldn’t focus on Kirk’s antics. My mind was on Todd. I went to see him again, this time at the garage. He was with Theo, and they were arguing.
I heard Theo say, “Still sucking me off? I sent him away with it. ”
I stepped in. “What’s going on?
”
“Nothing,” Todd said, but his eyes were darting around, avoiding mine. “George came by,” Theo said. “He was fretting about why Todd wasn’t in today. I sent him away.
”
“You sent him away? ” I said, my anger rising. “He’s just trying to look out for you. ”
“I don’t need looking after,” Todd said.
“You’re a liar,” I said. “You know, I don’t have to stay here and argue with you. Take your stuff with you. ”
“You’re a bully, Theo,” I said, turning to him.
“And a coward. And one way or another, I’m coming for you. ”
I left, but I wasn’t done. I went to see George.
He was in the café, looking tired. “I want you to come back to number 11 with me right now,” I said. “Oh, please don’t start all that again,” he said. “In that case, I’m going to give you this.
I’ll say me peace, and I’ll go. ” I handed him a bag. “Just a scape bag. Just in case you need to get away from here quick.
It’s got all the basics in it. Just grab it and go. It’s got a wallet in there, and it’s got a few bob just in case you need it. You need to stick all your important documents, your birth certificate and such like in there.
Just be ready, Todd. I know the real you is still in there. And one day, you’re going to wake up, and you’re going to find the courage to leave him. ”
“Look, I think the pressure of this court case is getting to you,” George said.
“It’s on Thursday, isn’t it? That needs to be your primary focus now, all right? Not hounding the life out of me. ”
“He’s on his way back,” I said, seeing Theo approach.
“You’ve got to go. You’ve got a lot of friends around here. You’ve got a lot of people that care for you. I love you.
And I will never ever give up on you. Go. ”
But Todd didn’t go. He stayed with Theo.
“I’ve made a commitment to Theo,” he said. “My future’s with him. We made plans. ”
“Go, John.
Go, please. And you know where it is. And you know where I am. And you will be welcome with open arms and a cup of tea anytime day or night.
”
I left, feeling defeated. But I wasn’t going to give up on him. Not ever. A few days later, I heard that the charges against Todd had been dropped.
I went to see him, hoping it would be a fresh start. “Did you hear anything from the police? ” I asked. “Charges have been dropped,” he said, but he didn’t look happy.
“That’s fantastic news,” I said. He shrugged. “Do you think I’m walking funny? ”
“No, you look fine to me, mate.
Why? ”
“I read this thing that said you should stand on one leg when you brush your teeth. Improves your balance. So I’ve been standing on one leg all day at work, and now I’m worried that the muscle’s gone really massive on this side, and the other leg’s gone all weak and weedy.
”
“Have you thought about swapping legs from time to time, mate? ”
“Ah, good thinking. ”
I laughed, but I could see he was still troubled. He was putting on a brave face, but I knew him too well.
Something was still wrong. Later, I found out that Todd had been talking to Megan. She’d been trying to get in touch with him, but he’d been avoiding her. I went to see her, to find out what was going on.
“Megan, I’ve not heard from you in days,” I said. “I really need you. Why aren’t you returning my calls? ”
She looked at me, her eyes full of pain.
“I thought he was the one,” she said. “But when I wouldn’t marry him, he turned on me. ”
“If you thought he was the one, why wouldn’t you marry him? ”
“Why don’t you just give her a questionnaire and be done with it?
” Theo said, appearing from nowhere. “He’s a wrong ‘un, and that’s all you need to know. ”
“Wrong in what way? ” I asked.
“Oh, what are you, Weatherfield’s answer to Jeremy Paxman? ”
“It’s a journalistic brain, isn’t it? She’s always on the lookout for a juicy story. ”
“Yeah, well, she’s not a journalist anymore, is she?
She’s an L technician. ”
“Actually, will you go and stick the kettle on? Parched. ”
I went to put the kettle on, but I could hear them talking.
Theo was trying to shut Megan up, but she wasn’t having it. She was scared of him, I could tell. And I was starting to think that maybe Todd was scared of him too. I went to see Todd one last time, before he was due to leave for Ireland with Theo.
He was in the flat, packing. I tried to talk to him, to make him see sense. “I’ve been dying to speak to you all day, son,” I said. “What were you going to say to me this morning?
”
“Nothing,” he said. “Are you sure? It’s just that I’ve been feeling dead guilty. ”
“All right, listen, none of this is your fault.
Megan’s the grown-up. This is all on her. ”
“No, I mean I’m the reason everyone’s so upset. Eva, Nan, and you.
All because I had a stupid crush. ”
“I swear to God I could shake you. You owe that woman nothing. Nothing, do you hear me?
Stop blaming her. She’s done nothing wrong. ”
“Oh, listen to yourself, Will. Still defending her.
When are you going to stop being such an idiot and open your eyes? ”
I stopped. I realized I’d been calling him Will, not Todd. I’d been so caught up in my own head that I’d mixed up my own son with my brother.
I looked at him, and I saw the confusion in his eyes. “That was so weird,” I said. “It was like a shutter came down in me head. Like I was drowning.
”
“It’s me and me knitted cozy all over again,” he said, referring to the swimming costume my mother had knitted me. “Yeah, but look, Debs, if it’s getting worse… ”
“Well, I’m all right now, aren’t I? Sharp as a tick.
All present and correct. And don’t you be telling anybody about this. Otherwise, I won’t be happy. ”
“You’re having a dig cuz I told Sally worry your CIA.
I only did it cuz I was worried. ”
“Well, there’s no need to be worried. Everything’s tickety-boo. ”
“Yeah, well, I’m just trying to be a good mate and I’m not going to apologize for that.
”
“No, you’re right. And thank you for looking after me. I really do appreciate it, you know. ”
“Oh, come here, you daft melt.
”
“What do you call it, a daft melt? ”
“Mhm. ”
“I’ll daft melt you in a minute. ”
We laughed, but I could feel the tension underneath.
I knew I was losing my grip on things, and I didn’t know how to stop it. Later, I went to see George. He was in the undertaker’s, looking at a coffin. “Very quiet up there,” I said.
“Are they in? ”
“Well, I think so, mate. ”
“Right, well, can I help you with anything, George? ”
“Mhm.
Excellent. Only have to look at water and the hair goes frizzy. Not a good look for an undertaker. ”
“Professional to a fault, sir.
I like it. ”
“Thank you. Thank you. ”
I left, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was about to happen.
I went to see Theo, to warn him off. “Don’t you come in here with your fake camaraderie,” I said. “Because I’ve got your number. So far as you lot folks are doing your job properly, not playing fast and loose with the rules, I’m going to let it go this time.
But you ever pull a stunt like that again and I’m going to report you. And I don’t care that we’re meant to be so-called family. I’m going to drop you so deep in it. Do you understand?
”
“Understood. Message received. ”
I left, feeling like I’d made a difference. But I knew it wasn’t over.
Not by a long shot. That night, I went to see Megan. She was in her flat, looking fragile. “I’ll run us a bath and put some herbs in,” she said.
“A few sprigs of rosemary. ”
“I’m not doing that,” I said. “I’ve got some heat now. I’ve got some stuck where the sun don’t shine.
”
“Oh, it’s so good to see you. You have no idea. I thought you’d left me. ”
“Why would you think that?
Why wouldn’t you return any calls? ”
“What? I was just trying to give you a bit of space. Kills me seeing how tough this is on you.
I mean, look at you. I’ve never seen you so sad and defeated. ”
“I can’t cope. Everything at home’s going so terrible.
Everyone’s either really mad or really upset. I saw my dad cry for the first time the other night. I did that. ”
“Don’t you dare blame yourself.
I can’t believe it. All this was just cuz we fell in love. ”
“I’m thinking that we should just tell the truth. ”
“No.
No. No. No. No.
We can’t do that. We both just need to stay strong, okay? Listen, I’m moving into a flat on the precinct. You can hang out there, chill out for a bit.
”
“Why would you move around here? Everyone here hates you. ”
“I don’t care what people think. I’m doing this for us.
I can take the pressure as long as I’ve got you. You do still want to be with us, don’t you? Me and the baby. ”
“Of course I do.
It’s just telling my family it’s going to be carnage. ”
“To start with, yeah. But as soon as they realize that we’re serious about each other and that this is for life, they’ll get over it. ”
“Do you reckon?
”
“Yeah. ”
“Do you reckon that one day they might accept us? ”
“Trust me. A baby changes everything.
They’ll be desperate to meet their new grandchild. ”
I looked at her, and I wanted to believe her. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that we were both in way over our heads.
And I didn’t know if we were going to make it out.
