The ring was still sitting in our apartment. He had bought it after we picked it out together, after we told his family and friends we were ring shopping, after I moved in believing an engagement was our next step. We were both in our early thirties, together for almost two years, and on the same page about marriage from the start. Then, a couple of nights ago, he told me he wasn’t sure he was ready for engagement or marriage.
When I asked why, one of his reasons was that he was worried he hadn’t slept around enough. He called it a dumb reason. He said he’d probably regret losing me over it, which was why he hadn’t ended things or cheated on me. Then he actually said, “I don’t see us getting engaged in the foreseeable future.
” He told me he wasn’t sure if I was “the one. ” And he brought up ethical non-monogamy. I panicked. I said I’d consider it, because I still wanted to be engaged to him.
He was a good partner in many ways, and I considered myself open-minded. But the more I sat with it, the more I leaned toward ending things. I left the next day to stay with family. I told him I’d be back in about a week to talk.
I didn’t tell him I was already planning to break up. I have a strong feeling he assumes we’re staying together. I know exactly what’ll happen when I go back. He’ll have another epiphany and claim he’s ready to propose, just so he doesn’t lose me.
But I don’t want a man who marries me out of fear of loss. I want someone who is thrilled to marry me. If he’s this uncertain after two years, what’s one week really going to change? Will this desire for other women pop up again when we have kids, when it’s harder to leave?
I’d hate to let him backtrack now only to face this again when I’m older and even more attached. And either way, I’d always have it in the back of my mind: he’s just not sure. That’s not what I want in a husband. I’m sad about it, but part of me is honestly excited about dating again.
Staying means blocking myself from finding a better fit. Leaving means opening up the possibility of meeting someone who knows, without any doubt, that he can’t wait to marry me. That’s what I want. I’m spending the next few days solidifying my headspace so I don’t fall for an “I don’t want to lose you” speech.
I’m generally empathetic and understanding, but I need to be logical and decisive here. He doesn’t want to end it, and he’d be perfectly happy continuing as we are. It wouldn’t be a bad life. But deep down, I think I’d regret settling for this.
Reading other people’s stories on this subreddit has been comforting and clarifying. It’s helped me feel ready to walk away. I’m asking for luck and strength for when I go back in a few days. I ended up calling him instead.
I needed to schedule my move-out with the building, and he would have been notified automatically anyway. There’d be no parking for the truck otherwise. So I just did it over the phone and got it over with. I felt guilty about a phone breakup at first, but realistically speaking, he just told me he didn’t see us getting engaged and wanted to sleep with other people.
Maybe I’m not the one who should feel guilty here. He was shocked. He asked some questions, but I was very final. I told him, “We want different things, so this just makes sense.
I really appreciate your honesty. This way we can both find what we want. ” I told him I had a move-out plan. My mom is driving back with me Saturday morning with a U-Haul to help me pack and get out as fast as possible.
I’m glad I won’t have to spend any time alone with him or any more nights in that apartment. Moving went surprisingly well. He helped pack and carry boxes. He even gifted me some expensive things he’d bought for us while we lived together.
Then, at one point, we were alone and he did the exact speech some of you predicted. He told me he loved me, didn’t want to lose me, said it was so hard not talking to me that week, that I’m his favorite person. I told him I appreciated it, but we want different things, so ending it is the right choice. He said he didn’t think our wants were that different in the grand scheme of things.
I said our timelines were different. He said he didn’t think our timelines were that different. I reminded him that he wasn’t ready now. We’re in our thirties.
It’s been two years. And he still thinks he needs more experiences — specifically, he’d said he hadn’t slept with enough women yet. I am not willing to wait for him to decide. I want someone who knows what they want.
He said he didn’t want me to leave but understood why I was doing it. He admitted he’d thought about some grand gesture to keep me, but knew it wouldn’t be right given his uncertainty. He said he’s going to try to get this out of his system, and that he knows I’ll be living my life and might meet someone else, but not to be surprised if he reaches out to try to get back together. He said many kind things.
He was pretty reasonable. He cried, which made me cry, but I never wavered in my decision for a second. Even though it’s sad, and not the outcome I wanted after two years, I’m still 100% confident that leaving was the correct thing for me to do. I honestly don’t see us getting back together, even if he has some transformation.
It would be hard to feel safe and secure in a relationship with him again after all this. I don’t think he’s a bad guy. Just immature, indecisive, and ultimately not what I’m looking for. I’m settling into my new place now.
I’m lucky to have family with spare rooms. I’m taking a pause before I start dating again. Part of me feels ready to get back out there with more clarity than ever. But I don’t think dating two weeks after ending a two-year relationship is a great idea.
So I’ll give it time and use the lessons from this relationship to spot red flags earlier and make better choices. One last thing: he told me he had poor social skills, was pretty overweight, and kind of a hermit for much of his younger years. Only in the past few years did he lose some weight and start feeling more confident. Now he thinks he needs to relive the youth he missed out on.
It’s kind of embarrassing. He was still a bit overweight when we met, and actually gained some weight during our relationship. I didn’t love it, but I was okay with it because I liked him for other reasons. I can’t say he’s super hot.
He’s tall, though. And based on what he’s told me about his dating experience, I don’t think he’ll be drowning in options. When he said he needed more experiences, what he really meant was he wanted to sleep with more women. He explicitly said that.
He suggested ethical non-monogamy so he could sleep around while keeping me around. No thanks. Some people asked how I could sit there and talk to him while he cried. I guess I’m not able to go from wanting to marry someone to being completely indifferent to their tears.
I cry at commercials. We spent two years together and had a lot of good times. He planned nice dates, paid attention to things I mentioned and bought them for me, and helped me work toward my personal goals. None of that makes me okay with his lack of desire to marry me or his desire for more partners.
That’s why I ended it. But I don’t hate him all of a sudden. People are a bit more complicated than Reddit sometimes makes out.
