The car went dead silent the second my mother opened her mouth. We were on our way to brunch after my dad turned 64. My boyfriend and I had been at my parents’ house all week. I couldn’t wait for the trip to end.
My mother had spent the morning trying to correct how I brush my teeth, like I was a child. When she told me my seatbelt was on too loose, my boyfriend smirked. He knew I had just spent twenty minutes arguing with her about the constant babying. She saw that smirk.
And that’s when she decided to destroy him. “I care about the well-being of my children,” she said, her voice cold and vicious. “Maybe if you or your mother cared as much as I do, your younger brother would still be here. ”
She paused, letting the poison sink in.
“Do you find negligence funny? ”
My boyfriend sat completely still. His younger brother died in a motor vehicle accident two years ago. He was eleven years old.
The boy was in the car with his mother. She rarely enforced seatbelts. My boyfriend never blamed her for what happened. My mother clearly did.
My own mother weaponized the death of an innocent child to win an argument about a seatbelt. My dad said nothing. My boyfriend said nothing. I was so furious I couldn’t think straight.
I told her to get out of the car and go back inside the house. She refused. So I took my boyfriend, who still hadn’t said a single word, and drove us to a hotel. I promised him he didn’t have to spend another night at my parents’ house.
He hasn’t talked about it since. He just watches soccer all day, and I think about the depression he went through when his brother died, and I’m terrified that my mother just retriggered all of it. This wasn’t the first time she was rude to him. She’s never liked him.
She thinks he’s “not emotionally equipped to be a father,” whatever that means. I’ve told her over and over that I want to marry this guy, and she never changes. She just gets meaner. I called my dad and asked him to bring our stuff to the hotel so we could drive the three hours back home.
When he arrived, he apologized to my boyfriend for what my mother said. They shook hands. My dad seemed to want us to stay, but I knew any interaction with him would involve my mother, and I wasn’t going to let that happen. I ended things on amicable terms with my dad.
I don’t think it’s fair to blame him for what she said. He promised me he’d talk to her about fixing things. But I’m pretty sure she won’t change anytime soon. When I asked him how my mother was reacting, he said she was disappointed in me for making the trip about my relationship.
She doesn’t want to speak to me until I apologize. She says the most horrible thing you could possibly say to someone, and then demands an apology from me. That’s especially painful, because all of this happened right after I told her something exciting. I found something that led me to believe my boyfriend was planning to propose soon.
She knows I love him more than anything in the world. And she still did this. On the car ride home, I tried to cheer him up by asking about the soccer games he was watching. Usually he loves explaining everything to me.
This time he barely said a word. So I gave him space and read articles about narcissism. When we got home, he seemed more at peace. I hoped we could put my mother behind us and move past this.
Then the voicemail came. My boyfriend’s dad called. My mother had actually contacted my boyfriend’s parents. She questioned their parenting directly.
I don’t even want to know what she said. His mom won’t get on the phone with us. His dad says she’s been sobbing non-stop. His parents live on the other side of the country, and my boyfriend feels completely helpless.
I feel sick to my stomach. My mother won’t reply to my messages because she’s waiting for an apology. My poor dad is caught in the middle of all this during his birthday weekend. My boyfriend, who is traditionally the most agreeable, calm person I know, is livid.
He told me he wants her out of his life completely. I agreed. But I’m not sure she’ll let us cut her out without trying to hurt us even more. It’s like she erased all of our therapy sessions in one day just because she was unhappy with how he reacted to her ridiculous behavior.
Neither of our mothers have spoken to us. My mother didn’t raise me to be this way. We were so close when I was younger. I always knew she had a big mouth, but her current actions are just hateful.
She’s deliberately trying to hurt the people I care about. I don’t know what happened to her. That woman is not my mother, and I don’t care if I ever speak to her again. I read more articles about narcissism.
And I came to a horrible realization: I can’t maintain a healthy relationship with my father without a drastic change in his relationship with my mother. I’ve always been Daddy’s little girl. I used to fantasize that my father and my prince charming would become best friends. The thought that my father will likely not be walking me down the aisle cuts my heart like a knife.
I called him on Saturday while my boyfriend was privately Skyping with his parents. He told me my mother was going through family photos to throw away pictures of me. He saved all of the pictures. But he didn’t stop her from throwing them out in the first place.
I asked him if he repeated anything from our last call to my mother. He did. I asked if he could promise me that would stop. He couldn’t.
I started sobbing. I told him I couldn’t keep him in my life while he was still enabling my mother. He started crying too, begging me to wake up with my mom. I explained why that wouldn’t happen.
We sat silently on the phone for what felt like an hour. Then he broke the silence. He said he was proud of me. That he loved me more than anything in the world.
That only made me cry more. My boyfriend heard me. He walked in, hugged me, and asked who I was talking to. Then he asked to speak with my father.
After they talked, my boyfriend asked me if I sincerely believed I had to cut my dad out of my life. I explained that we would never move past this while I was in contact with someone who allowed my mother to continue her hateful actions. He accepted my answer. He reminded me it was my decision and that he didn’t want me to feel pressured either way.
He knows I called my dad three or four times a week. He knows how close we were. I finished the call by telling my dad he needed to get my mother help, to put his foot down. He promised me he would do whatever it takes to get me back in his life, including a divorce if my mother continues her refusal to work on herself.
But right now, he wants to keep pushing to get her help, because he loves her. I admire my father. I respect his loyalty to his wife, even though I don’t respect what he’s done this past week. A lot of people say I’m fiercely loyal to my loved ones, and I’m proud that I learned that from him.
I hope he keeps his promise and finds his way back into my life. But I know I shouldn’t count on it. After that call, my boyfriend and I had a serious conversation. I convinced myself he was going to leave me.
I held back tears, sure this would be our last talk as a couple. I’m the sole reason he has to deal with this. I feel responsible. If I weren’t in his life, his family wouldn’t have gone through this.
But instead of breaking up with me, he asked me how I was feeling. How I needed him to support me. So I told him everything. And he told me everything.
He suggested I start meeting with his therapist, at least for now. I accepted wholeheartedly. After our talk, he wanted to think in quiet. But he asked me to sit with him.
We sat together for hours, saying nothing. He didn’t want to cuddle and he didn’t even look at me most of the time. He just asked me to be with him. Then he started talking about his brother.
We shared familiar stories and cherished them like they were new. We celebrated his brother’s beautiful life together. It wasn’t sad or depressing. It was pleasant.
Then he started talking about things he could have done differently. I immediately told him none of the loss was his fault. But I’m not sure he believes that the awful things my mother said are untrue. It’s bothering me a lot.
I’ve already told his therapist. At the suggestion of Reddit, I offered to video call with his parents to express my grief and offer my support. It went well. His parents were lovely.
It pains me to know these innocent, kind people have to experience this much heartbreak. They told me they loved me very much and would lend an ear if I ever needed guidance. Who would want to hurt people like that? I wrote my mother a very long email.
I explained why I would no longer be speaking to her or my father. I detailed how her actions hurt me and the people I love. I told her she wasn’t acting like the mother who raised me to live virtuously. I asked her to get help.
I told her that even someone as selfish as her must feel an obligation to the one person standing by her. I admitted I still loved her and my father. That I would love them unconditionally, and there’s nothing I can change about that. But I explained I couldn’t watch her destroy herself, and I couldn’t idly watch her hurt the other people I love.
Looking back, maybe that gave her ammunition. But I don’t regret telling the truth. She replied almost immediately. She was disgusted that I was entertaining my father’s notion to get her medically and mentally evaluated.
She said we’re the ones who need evaluations. She called me a fool for abandoning my family for a man I met at a bar. She said I’m not the daughter she raised, and she will never forgive me for making my father cry because I selfishly want to spend more time with my boyfriend. I cried after reading it.
Not because her words hurt me. Because it’s painfully clear there’s something wrong with her. But she’s too hurt, scared, or hateful to let us help her. I’m grieving the loss of my mother.
I’m afraid I’ll never see her again. Things are bad now. But I’m optimistic about my future. I know any proposal plans are delayed at best.
But I don’t think my mother has succeeded in destroying our future family.
