“Where am I? ” I muttered. “You’re on my sofa,” came the reply. I blinked, my head pounding.
“Hey… what happened? ”
“I found you slumped in the cab office with a bottle of whiskey. ”
I sighed, the shame washing over me. “You need to go home,” he said.
“I haven’t got a home. ”
“What are you talking about? ”
He made me a coffee. The last thing I remembered was lying to Tracy, pretending I was fine.
I’d told her I was determined to look after my dodgy brain cells, that I wasn’t drinking again. But yesterday had really shaken me up, and the whiskey had been the only thing that made sense at the time. “You want to go over? ” he asked.
“No. Fragile, shall we say? I’m not drinking again. ”
“But you’re all right now, though.
”
“I’m determined to look after these dodgy brain cells of mine. ”
He said he had to go and see Ed. “Will you be okay, though? ”
“Yeah, of course I will.
No problem. ”
“Okay. ”
“Love you, too. ”
After he left, I went for a walk, trying to clear my head.
I saw an old woman wandering the street, confused and angry. “Are you all right? ” I asked her. “I’m looking for my daughter.
”
“What does she look like? ”
“She’s got brown hair. ”
I tried to help, but she snapped at me. “Charming,” I muttered.
“So now you know Steve’s stumped me and Tyrone’s chucked me out. ”
I was venting to Tim about the mess I was in. “Well, it was a pretty stupid thing to do,” he said. “Don’t you think I know that?
I was desperate. Ever since Ross arrived here, he’s completely undermined me. I just wanted him gone. ”
“Instead, you shot yourself in the foot.
”
“Thanks, Tim. Made me feel loads better. ”
“Well, maybe they’ll forgive you if you grovel enough. ”
“I have groveled.
It was useless. ”
I tried to push the thought away, but it kept circling back: the smoothie, the tablets, Tracy in the hospital. It had been a stupid, reckless thing to do, and now I was paying for it. I went to see Ty, hoping he’d listen.
He wouldn’t. “I’ve got nothing to say to you,” he said. “Ty, please. ”
“I’d enjoy your freedom whilst you can, Cassie, because as soon as I go inside, I’m calling the police.
”
“So, you’ve recovered then? ”
“I could have died. ”
I tried to explain myself to Tracy. “Tracy, look, I’m sorry you drank the smoothie, but it was only a couple of tablets I put in.
”
“I think you’ve lied enough. ”
“Too right,” Ty added. I tried to apologize to Sienna too. “Look, Nina found the money.
I never should have accused you,” I said. “But you did. ”
“But I made a mistake. ”
“Yeah, so did I.
I thought you were someone that cared about me. ”
“What’s this? I do care about you. Please, just let me make it up to you.
”
“I’ve got enough on my plate without this. I think it’s actually better if we just call it quits. ”
I felt like I was losing everyone. I’d been so desperate to get to know my mom when I found her, desperate enough to look past all the drugs, the crime, and the chaos.
I gave her a home, let her into the kids’ lives. But she threw it all back in my face. When we argued again, I told her everything I’d been holding in. “You’re twisted.
You messed up. Every time something happens, you say, ‘I’m going to change. ’ But you never do. ”
“What if I hand myself in?
” she asked. “Will that punish me? ”
“Then do it. Do it.
It’s not going to change anything. ”
“Please, just let me stay. I’ll make it up to you. ”
“I’m done,” I said.
“Hand yourself in. Go on the run. Do whatever you want. I don’t care.
You can say bye to the kids and then you’re gone. ”
I walked away, feeling the weight of everything pressing down on me. I’d let her into my life, and she’d destroyed it. I’d forgiven her for what she did to Ken, but I couldn’t forgive her twice.
Not when my own kids could have been hurt. I went to see Tim, needing someone to talk to. “So, you’re just going to cut her out of your life then? ” he asked.
“She put Tracy in hospital. And I know it’s Tracy, but it could have been Amy that drank that smoothie. I forgave her for what she did to Ken, even though everybody told me not to. We can’t forgive her twice.
”
“I know she’s a bit of a nightmare,” he said. “A bit. ”
“But you’ve got a habit of going for nightmare women. ”
“Yeah.
”
“But you love her, don’t you? ”
“I don’t know whether I do anymore. ”
He told me Cassie was at the precinct, wanting to say goodbye. “And how does that make you feel?
”
“Sad. Very sad. ”
“Well, go and tell her that you wanted to stay. ”
I shook my head.
“She’s gone. ”
Back at home, Debbie was telling me about a friend of hers whose mother had dementia. The poor woman had attacked her daughter in the street, and I’d seen it happen. It had been unsettling, to say the least.
“Are you all right? ” someone asked. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be? ”
“We know all that business with Sienna’s mom.
It must have been unsettling for you. ”
“It was a bit, but I’m fine. ”
They tried to reassure me. “Well, obviously the poor woman’s in a terrible place, but it don’t mean it’s going to be the same for you.
”
“I know that, Bernie. Please don’t worry. ”
But I did worry. I saw that woman, so confused and violent, and I couldn’t shake the fear that one day that could be me.
I told Debbie about my fears. “What if I get to the point where I don’t know who he is, who I am? ” I asked her. “I don’t want to be like that.
”
She told me about her husband, Paul. He’d wanted to end his life too when he was diagnosed with MND. He’d stashed away a packet of pills, but in the end, he decided he wanted to rinse every last drop out of life’s dishcloth. He hung on until his body finally let go.
“Oh, Bernie, I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. But I think it’s different for me. Even when Paul was struggling to move or communicate, it was still Paul inside. I won’t be me anymore.
I won’t be Debbie. She’ll already be dead. I’d rather go while I can still do my makeup, stick a false eyelash on, earrings in, while I’m still me. ”
“You need to talk to Ronnie,” she said.
“He’ll try and talk me out of it. ”
“You can’t do this behind his back. ”
“When the time’s right, I will speak to him. But can we keep this between ourselves for now, please?
”
I agreed. I wouldn’t say anything for now. But the thought stayed with me, heavy and unsettling. Then Tracy appeared, looking sheepish.
“So, I’ve decided not to call the police,” she said. “Oh, good. ”
“Why? ” I asked.
“Because Ross persuaded me not to, even after what Cassie did. He’s a really kind man. ”
“Yeah, I suppose that is pretty kind. ”
Just then, Ross himself walked in.
“Sorry, door was on the latch. What are you doing here? You should be resting. ”
“Tracy was just telling us you didn’t want her to call the police,” I said.
“Yeah, I felt Cassie had been punished enough. ”
“Where is she, by the way? ”
“She’s gone. Left Weatherfield.
”
“I’m sorry,” Ross said. “I’m not. She made her own bed. ”
“All right.
Well, I’m glad I’m sticking around. I know how much she helped out with the kids and stuff, so I’m more than happy to step in. ”
“Might take you up on that. Cheers.
”
I turned to leave. “Right. Come on, you. Let’s get you home.
”
“You can tuck me in if you like. ”
“Do you? ”
“Yeah. Go on then.
”
I walked out with him, heading back home, trying to ignore the nagging feeling that something was still very wrong.
