The pan hit the floor, and the sound seemed to rattle through the whole room. I watched her face, that little girl, and I knew she’d seen something she couldn’t unsee. I’d thought giving her somewhere safe would reassure her, but trouble is, she saw what she saw. “Yeah, I’ll get a counselor to see her,” I said.
“Sooner rather than later, I reckon,” came the reply. Later, the tension was still simmering. She was spying on me, or at least that’s what she claimed. “Believe it or not, I’ve got better things to do.
”
“Tim, take her inside. ”
“Come on, Lucy. ”
I tried to make light of it all with the others. “Maybe if she had better foster parents.
” It was a cheap shot, and I knew it. But the whole situation was a minefield, and I was tired of tiptoeing around it. Todd was in the middle of it all, of course. He always had a clever line, a way to twist things.
“The guy’s gay. All right. The best you could have hoped for was to be mates without benefits. ”
“With mates like you, maybe she needs to find a few new ones.
”
“I think an apology is in order, Todd. ”
“Oh, why? Because Glenda’s disappointed. Me coming along changed absolutely nothing.
In fact, I did you a favor. ”
“If you’ve all finished, I’ve got dead bodies to attend to. ”
That was Todd. Deflecting with cruelty, pushing everyone away.
I’d seen it a thousand times. He was at the house later, looking for his thermos. I told him it was under the sink. “What do you want to talk about earlier?
” he asked. “Not really. ”
“Might be a good idea. ”
I sighed.
“Well, we had social services on the phone. They just wanted to let us know that your mom is now at the undertakers. I know that’s a lot for you to take on. So, I was wondering if you want me to go.
I could always put something in the coffin for you. ”
“No thanks. ”
“That’s absolutely fine. But if you change your mind—”
“I want to go myself.
”
“Are you sure? It’s a difficult thing to do. ”
“Yeah, Tim’s right. No, I want to.
Will you come with me? ”
“Yeah. Yeah, of course I will. Better change me shift to street cars then.
”
I tried to reach him then. “You know what, love? I don’t think you and I are that dissimilar. I think we both find it hard to let people in, you know, accept help.
”
“I don’t know. You found it pretty easy to accept a fair bit from Mary. ”
It was a sneer, a way to wound. I’d had enough.
“You know what, Todd? This smart mouth of yours, it’s not very helpful. It’s certainly not funny. It’s just cruel.
And you’re very good at keeping people at arm’s length. But you pointing out every single thing that I have done wrong does not make your actions any more acceptable. It just stops you having to think about them. ”
He didn’t have an answer for that.
He just stood up. “Where you going? ”
“I need some fresh air. ”
At the pub, the atmosphere was different.
Sean and his mother, Eva, were running the place. There was a new promotion on, some craft beer, and Sean’s partner, Glenda, was trying to get everyone on board. “Oh, are you sure? I mean, our punters, they’re a bit set in the ways, aren’t they?
”
“It’s beer, Sean. Not a side of curry sauce with your hot pot. ”
“Um, well, babe, do we have to do it today? I mean, we haven’t advertised it or anything.
”
“She’s right. Mind you, she did all that for her grand cocktail extravaganza, and that still went down like a lead balloon. ”
I couldn’t help but laugh at the bickering. It was the usual family circus.
A woman came in, older, with a sharp tongue. She was Bernie, and she was clearly related to Sean. The hostility between them was immediate. “Bernie, do us a favor.
Crawl back onto your stone. ”
“Nice way to speak to your own flesh and blood. ”
“Just do one. ”
“Stubborn like your mother.
”
“So you two are…”
“Her mom and me were twins. ”
“Thought my family was dysfunctional. ”
There was a phone call I had to take. It was about a friend, in a difficult spot.
“I’ll come in with you if you want,” I offered. “I can’t. Harry’s doing okay. Adam and Ali’s.
Obviously, he’s missing you, but everybody’s rallying around. ”
“Well, that’s really good. And thank goodness he’s not back at school yet. How are you anyway?
How’s your problem you were having? ”
“Yeah. No, it’s okay. You’ll be out soon.
I know you will. ”
I was thinking about my mom’s funeral. “I did wonder about a French pleat or a Grace Kelly roll as it’s more popularly called. ”
“Yeah.
Yeah, why not? ”
“Oh, I’m thinking of going full Grace Kelly. ”
“What’s up, dancer? ”
“Look, October isn’t even that far away.
”
I hung up, the weight of it all pressing down on me. Kirk came over, trying to get me to come to his craft beer event. “For goodness sake. Yes.
Fine, Kirk. I’ll come and drink beer with you in a bit. ”
Later, Sean asked me about my mom. “How’s she doing?
She’s sleeping all right, or is a guilty conscience keeping her awake? ”
“What happened to innocent until proven guilty? ”
“She’s guilty. All right.
She’s guilty of dragging Gary into a mess. You know, he’s looking at prison because of her. ”
I tried to explain the beer to an old-timer. “Well, you see, the small independent brewers focus on quality ingredients, using traditional brewing methods.
No mass production. ”
“Something akin to the arts and crafts movement. ”
“Precisely, but in liquid form. One can’t help but speculate that William Morris himself would approve.
”
The banter was a welcome distraction, but it couldn’t last. “Hey, I’ve just had Jody on the phone about shifts. ”
“I’m sorry. ”
“Well, you know, wants to move to Whitby.
Never mind. She’s popping in. I’ve hesitated to ask, but it’s a difficult day, I imagine. Paul’s birthday.
”
“Yeah. ”
“On Haley’s, I sit quietly at the kitchen table having our usual celebratory breakfast and I imagine her opposite. It’s a ghost, but one from which I take great comfort. ”
“Well, I have seen a ghost today, as it goes.
But not to do with our Paul. ”
“Don’t be daft. You’ve got every right to be upset. I wouldn’t be in your shoes.
”
I shook my head. “Josie, I don’t want to remember her like that. I’m sure it doesn’t look like my mom. ”
“It’s fine.
”
“Every night I think about it. Wonder if I could have done anything different. That maybe if I had, she’d still be alive. ”
“You’ve got nothing to blame yourself for.
”
But I did. I had to tell her. “There’s something I need to tell you about the day that your mom died. ”
She went quiet, waiting.
“He—he wanted to go and stay with his mate for a bit, but I persuaded him to go home and try and patch things up with your mom. ”
“But why? ”
“I know. I know.
I shouldn’t have said. I should have minded my own business. But if I hadn’t—”
“She’d still be alive. ”
“I’m so sorry.
I’d give anything to turn back the clock. ”
“If only you had let him get on that train. But he has got a temper. Your dad, you know, got pretty aggressive with me when I went to see him.
”
“You know nothing about him. And he’s in there because of you. ”
“I’m going back. ”
“Well, I’ll pay up and I’ll see you at home.
”
“I don’t have a home. ”
I watched her walk away, the guilt crushing me. I’d tried to do the right thing, and all I’d done was make it worse. Back at the pub, the birthday drinks were flowing.
The influencer, Ry, was having a good time, and Sean was trying to steal him away from Speed Dog, the local rival. “These are on the house. ”
“Thanks, Sean. At least you got one happy customer.
”
“Hey, it’s just a bit of a laugh, sweetheart. Look, hospitality is a tough industry, and Ollie’s going to find out that soon enough. Go and bring over a menu. ”
Later, my friend was upset about Gary.
“I want to save him and I want to kill him at the same time. How could he do this to us? ”
“He probably thought he was doing a good thing. ”
“Yeah, not for our family.
He didn’t. In fact, he didn’t even give any of us a second thought. Am I just being an idiot standing by him? ”
“He’s a decent bloke, and if you love him, then—”
“Yeah.
It’d be a lot flipping easier if I didn’t. ”
“No, you wouldn’t. Being in love. No.
”
At the end of the night, Sean came over, a worried look on his face. “Sorry, just about to close. ”
“Yeah, it won’t take a minute. Just wanted a quick word.
”
He sighed. “I know this is not really my business, but Celeste, I don’t know how much you know about her condition. Thing is, it’s terminal. ”
“Has nothing to do with me, right?
”
“I just think that she probably wants to reconnect with your family. ”
I didn’t have the headspace for this. Not with everything else. “You know what, Todd?
I haven’t got the headspace for this right now. ”
“Sorry. Yeah, I know that today’s Paul’s—”
“Yeah. Yeah.
And, having spoken to Christina, I’d sort your own life out before you interfered in mine. ”
“Excuse me. ”
“Well, to be honest, it was just a relief to get it off my chest. ”
I walked away, leaving him standing there in the empty pub.
At home, the kids were arguing again. Lucy was in the kitchen, her hand red and blistering. “What is going on? ”
“It’s her hand.
”
“What’s happened? ”
“I told you both not to touch that oven. ”
“I didn’t. She pushed me into it.
She kept going on about my mom and dad being in prison. ”
“Because my dad’s in there, too, you idiot. I just wanted to know what it was like. ”
“You liar.
In the mix, banging on about my mom. At least you’ve got a mom, so why would I put both of you inside? ”
“Run that hand under the cold water. ”
I didn’t know who was telling the truth anymore.
Luce was grieving, and Jony was feeling the pressure of having her there. It was a minefield. “How’s she doing? She’s sleeping all right, or is a guilty conscience keeping her awake?
” The question hung in the air. “What happened to innocent until proven guilty? ”
“She’s guilty. All right.
She’s guilty of dragging Gary into a mess. You know, he’s looking at prison because of her. ”
I thought about my own situation, about the weight of what I’d done. I’d tried to help, and I’d only succeeded in making everything worse.
I’d told Todd to go back to his mother, and now she was dead, and Todd was in prison for it. And I had to live with that. I looked at the kids, at the mess of it all. There was no easy answer, no way to undo the damage.
All I could do was try to pick up the pieces. But first, I needed a drink.
