Students were flabbergasted today at the sight of a huge golden cube filled with cash and diamonds on Locust Walk. Loud screams, shattered glass, and ripped napkins were witnessed from outside of Pret. Bright lights, expensive film cameras, and trailers lined the entrance of Huntsman Hall. This sounds like the set of a dystopian horror movie, but students were surprised to hear that it was all for a controversial new video soon to be released by viral Youtuber Mr Beast.
Mr Beast, known for his obsessive optimization of videos for the YouTube algorithm, has confirmed that a Squid Games-like challenge video titled “How Many Items Can You Steal From Pret In 30 Seconds, FOR 1 MILLION DOLLARS” is indeed his next big hit. At the set, UTB reporters asked him about his motivations behind filming a video pitting students against each other to steal a cash prize which not only epitomizes the grotesqueness of capitalistic greed but is also frankly illegal. Mr Beast’s response? “It’s not just what the people want, it’s what they NEED”, he bellowed with spit flying out of his mouth
Top contestants were all reported to be seasoned and routine Pret thieves. They include the snakiest Wharton student you know, a Pottruck bodybuilder who hopes to steal from the other stealers, a brunette with a tote bag who’s really good at grabbing things, and that one quiet kid who’s actually really fucking sneaky. An anonymous source has leaked that the one quiet kid who’s actually really fucking sneaky was the winner.
