I’m 28, and my fiancée is 29. We’ve been together for three years, friends for five. She was my best friend, my partner in every way. We met in the same workplace friend group, and our relationship felt solid, even through challenges.
Last December, she asked if we could take a break so she could “recalibrate. ” She said she was struggling to find her purpose outside of our relationship. I never believed in breaks, but I wanted to support her, so I agreed. We set clear boundaries: we wouldn’t see other people.
The break didn’t last long. By Christmas, it was over. She said it was a mistake, that she wanted us, and things went back to being good. Our communication was strong, like no time apart had ever happened.
We were engaged by New Year’s. She didn’t want to wait anymore. She wanted to start our lives together in marriage. But the past week, she’s been anxious, blaming it on wedding jitters.
Then the other day, she sat me down and confessed. She hooked up with some guy during the break. She met him on a dating app and had sex with him a couple of times. She said the guilt had been eating at her, and she’d opened up to her sister a month ago.
Her sister pushed her to come clean before the wedding. When my fiancée stalled, her sister warned she’d tell me herself if my fiancée didn’t. I barely said a word. I was too numb.
I’m still wrapping my mind around everything. You see, my fiancée has a complicated relationship with sex because of past experiences. When we got together, she wanted celibacy, and that evolved into celibacy until marriage. She believed waiting would cement our bond and elevate our relationship.
We focused on other forms of intimacy. The no-sex thing was never a deal breaker for me. Sex wasn’t the basis of my love for her, nor was it why I wanted to be with her. She was worth the wait in any capacity.
But now I’m struggling because I don’t understand how she could give herself to some random guy in a way she never gave herself to me. How celibacy was so important to her, but she gave it away to him. She swears the other guy meant nothing, that it was the biggest mistake of her life, that she ended the fling because I’m the one she loves and wants to be with. But nothing she said really landed for me.
I asked if she would have told me if it wasn’t for her sister. She said she doesn’t know. She promised to do anything to rebuild trust and repair our relationship, no matter how long it takes. She still wants to proceed with the wedding.
She said she believes in our love, that we can withstand anything, that this doesn’t have to define us. When I didn’t engage, she just cried and kept asking me to say something. I told her I needed to clear my head. I don’t like speaking when my emotions are all over the place; I tend to regret it.
But she hasn’t respected my request, and when I don’t engage, she’s hurt. Now she’s super affectionate, but it feels different. This doesn’t feel like real life. I never expected this betrayal from her.
We’re supposed to be wedding planning. Our wedding is around the corner, a modest gathering, so planning wasn’t long. I feel so numb. I’m in love with her, and she’s the woman I wanted to share a life with.
But for the first time, I’m questioning everything. I don’t even trust myself anymore. I feel stupid, like such a joke. I’m just lost.
I reached out to the community for advice, and the responses were harsh but honest. One person said, “If you agreed on not seeing other people during the break, then why was she on dating sites? ” Another said, “She’s not your friend, much less your best friend, and she’s not wife material. She broke the boundaries you set right away and would have never told you if she wasn’t forced into it.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she planned that break just to do what she did. Her excuses are complete BS. She made you wait for sex, but gave it up to him right away, twice. And cheaters always say it meant nothing.
If you marry this woman, you will regret it. ” A third said, “It’s over. If you marry her, you’ll never forget that she cheated, and she’ll never respect you because you took her back. She’s being extra nice because she wants to get married and not start from scratch.
Run. ”
After taking some time to myself, the numbness started wearing off. Every emotion hit at once: emptiness, sadness, anger, a rotation. At first, I was mad at myself, but now I realize I’m mad at her.
I look at her now and don’t recognize the woman I fell in love with, my closest friend for half a decade. She’s a stranger. The woman I knew wouldn’t do half the stuff she did. She used to be so disgusted with cheaters; she actually cut off an old friend over cheating.
Someone asked about her complicated relationship with sex. I won’t get too much into it because it’s personal, but she’s been badly shamed before, and she feels sex has messed up good things in her life at different times. She never really respected my demand for time to sort my feelings. She kept pushing, trying to use affection.
I did end up asking about her hooking up with that guy while we were celibate. She claimed celibacy for us was different because she wanted a pure relationship with me, to be our strongest and most connected before sex. The other hookup was more inconsequential. I didn’t ask much about the guy because it doesn’t change anything for me.
I don’t have it in me to be a detective and compare stories. The fact is, the woman I dedicated my life to cheated and nuked our relationship. I did ask her why. She claimed she was self-sabotaging.
She felt insecure about our relationship and how she’d be as a wife, and she sought comfort through sex, but it only made her feel worse, and she realized she wanted me. I’m still processing that. I don’t know what else I could have done. I always reassured her, told her she’s the one I wanted, listed everything I loved about her.
I never had doubt about her or our relationship. There’s a lot I’m still figuring out, but I know I can’t go through with the wedding. The other day, I sat her down and called it off. I guess she thought I was preparing to reconcile, so she didn’t take it well.
She was really broken up. I’ve never seen her break down or cry like that. And despite everything, it hurt to leave her in that state. She was saying she didn’t want to lose me, that it was the biggest mistake of her life, that she’d never do it again.
She asked us to try therapy. She kept asking me not to give up on us. I’m not in a place to engage in reconciliation, nor do I have any trust in her. She brought up how I promised I’d always be there for her, but now I’m abandoning her like everyone else has, and how we promised each other unconditional love.
I don’t think her accusations are fair, and it did sting. I meant my promises and everything I ever told her. But I didn’t just up and leave her. She cheated.
She made a decision during the break, to download the app, entertain the guy, and have sex with him. We’re here because of her choices. The unconditional love promise was made at the very start of our relationship. We’ve both dealt with not being accepted for ourselves or only having conditional love.
I wanted to reassure her that she never had to be anything except herself for me. That was the basis of the promise, that I accepted her wholly. It wasn’t a card to pull for cheating. Another thing that makes this complicated is that we live together.
I planned to stay with family for the time being, but she refused to let me leave. She threw herself in front of the door and wouldn’t move, then grabbed me when I tried to move around her. I had to call her sister to come get her and talk her down. I’ve been processing these past few days.
This doesn’t feel like real life. She always boasted about us, and our relationship meant the world to me. I was never more sure of anything in my life than her. My mindset was already married to her.
She’s been texting and sending voice notes asking for forgiveness and wanting to reconcile. I haven’t replied. I’m not sure I can move past this. I’ve told our family and friend group about the cancellation and breakup.
Making the rounds was embarrassing, and everyone has tons of questions. Somehow it hurts more upon each retelling. Our friend group’s been mostly understanding, but a few are advocating for me to talk things out with her. I’m not in a headspace to engage them either.
I feel like I lost the life we built and shared. How we went from engaged and the happiest we’ve ever been to this. Days ago, we were joking about her walking down the aisle with how clumsy she is, and now we’re broken up. I feel so lost, and I don’t know where to go from here.
I’m still coming to terms with everything. The community had more to say. One person said, “If you stay with her, you relive this pain every day. I’ve been there, holding on due to sunk cost fallacy.
It gets worse every day. I stayed for a year, and the fights got worse and worse. You’ll find happiness with someone else. ” Another said, “She’s so manipulative saying you’re leaving like everyone else.
What a dirtbag. Pack your important documents and store them away from her. Call her family and tell them she needs help and to stop harassing you. She should be the one to leave.
” A third said, “Sadly, you don’t move past it. You move forward by yourself. At some point, you will forgive her, but you’ll never forget, and that’s what will eat you from the inside out every time you look at her. ” And another pointed out, “You agreed to a break with one clear rule: no seeing other people.
She downloaded a dating app anyway, found a guy, slept with him twice, hid it, and only confessed because her sister basically held a gun to the secret. Then she has the nerve to tell you you’re abandoning her. You didn’t abandon her. You canceled a wedding because your fiancée cheated on you.
There is a difference. And the celibacy thing: you spent years respecting her decision to wait for marriage. You didn’t pressure her. You accepted that it was important to her.
Then, during your break, she decided the best way to work through her insecurities was to download a dating app and have sex with a stranger. And now it’s, ‘But he meant nothing. ‘ That doesn’t make it better. You don’t get bonus points for cheating without developing feelings.
”
I’m still lost, but I know I made the right call. I can’t marry someone who broke my trust so completely. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m taking it one day at a time.
